this is 54. (a partial list)

October 13, 2011

october 14th 1957 + 54 years = october 14th 2011

i’m alive.

i’m happy to be alive.

some days i’m 35 pounds lighter than i was 4 1/2 years ago and some days i’m 30 pounds lighter than i was 4 1/2 years ago.

i really notice those 5 pounds now.

i am the aging mother of an amazing high school jr.  she surprises me (in a good way) every single day even as she rolls her eyes at me.  i just can’t say how much love grows in my heart for this witty, caustic, quirky kid i helped bring into the world.

i am married over 20 years which is longer than i lived with my parents.  that says a lot about my husband.

i love my house and hate my neighborhood.

i have worked very hard to once again have real and meaningful friendships in my life and think i’m succeeding – of course, it’s all to my benefit.  a few are over 15-years-of-emailing dear friends whom i’ve never met in real life but whom i hold as my closest confidents.

when i look in a mirror i think my hair looks good.  when i look at a photo of myself, i think my hair looks like i survived cancer.

i remind myself that i’ve put over 5 years of surviving cancer behind myself on a daily basis. 

i need more sleep. 

i often can’t stay asleep.

i’m doubly removed of estrogren (age and medications) and it’s really not for the better as far as my femininity or my ability to concentrate on reading a book is concerned. 

i still try on clothes that i think look fabulous but quickly realize that i could have worn them 25 years ago. 

i can sing better than 25 years ago.  now to find out if that means anything when you’re aging and zaftig.

i finally left organized religion behind and concentrate on being a good person in this world. 

i think about food and cooking and travel all the time.

i still love new york city but there’s a teeny part that can imagine retiring in victoria, b.c.   i can imagine retiring.  bliss.

without lists, i would not survive. 

i’m alive.

i’m happy to be alive.



December 5, 2010


i am the mother of a 16 year old today.  what a ride.  she’s so much her own person and cannot be denied.  goofy and smart and clear in her need to laugh and care in the world.   full of possibilities and purpose and full of wanting to be 12 again.  i guess it’s all in your perspective.  2 cakes (over 2 days) and a platter of cottage cheese latkes (always her request … and a good delivery system for sour cream) later, we are celebrating the birthday week (she’d claim the birthday month) and i alternate between wanting to clutch her close and beaming with pride as she navigates herself solo. 

hello 53

October 14, 2010


i am 53 years old today.   that number seems inconceivable to me.  i still have the same goofy smile i had when i was 5.  honestly.  my husband says that when i smile, it’s not the sophisticated smile of a venerable adult but that i look like a kindergartener who was just told that cupcakes are being served for lunch!  i am the older mother of a semi-young child – ok, teenager.  i proudly announce my age on a yearly basis since almost-5 years ago, i didn’t think i’d be here to announce anything.  i have intentions of moving on in my aging but feeling that i can still change as i age.  and by change i mean for the better!  birthdays are funny things…and by funny i mean odd.  unless you tell people it’s your birthday, you don’t get a lot of feedback on it.  but i woke up this year on this day and felt very satisfied to be here and to keep working on my life.  now if i can just work on the trips i have in mind to greece, london and the isle of skye …well, that would be a change wouldn’t it? !  happy 53 to me.  hope you’re having a good day too.

where is she?

December 4, 2009

it’s the year of independence.  for some it’s earlier and others later but for our teenage daughter, turning 15 tomorrow, it’s this 9th grade year.  tho her dad likes to walk her to the subway in the morning – claiming that he needs the exercise but really because he just loves being with her and she with him … they are the proverbial two peas in the pod – she’s taking the subway to school and often back home.  for the past few days letting herself in the house.  i work close to her school and as i am a freelancer, i am often available to give her a ride back.  but also often not.  we want her to be confident and independent in the world – especially navigating her native brooklyn and nyc.   it’s an interesting time for a girl with her head often lost in the clouds of thought.

so far this week, she’s forgotten her phone; then forgotten her key (she happily sat in the back yard waiting and doing homework but i also presume, just grooving on the cool fall garden); then forgotten to answer her phone; then her phone went dead today.  none of this phases her.  much of it phases me.  i figure i’ve really done my job right as a parent if i can get it into her head that she needs to go out into nyc prepared and that simply means: cell phone, wallet with a modest amount of bills and change, house key and a loaded metro card. 

i am baffled that i am about to celebrate my beautiful daughter’s 15th birthday tomorrow.  she came into the world 4 weeks early and weighed a whopping 3 lbs 14 ounces and was feisty as a little prizefighter.  her grandma marianne called her an ‘imperious imp.’  truer words have rarely been spoken.  she’s brave and quirky and uninterested in being like everyone else.  she fits in and doesn’t fit in.  i worry for her and i hope she finds a way to give all her gifts to the world.  but mostly, i often want to know:  where the heck is she?   happy birthday to my wonderful girl.

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