‘mom, are you ok?” “mom, you feel better now?” “mom, i love you more than everything.” beautiful words all. and heartfelt. but often said to me with what i have termed: sad-eyes. i have taken to saying to my 15 year old daughter: ‘such a sad i love you.’ then she plasters on a smile.
yesterday, i had an odd few hours where i felt just a little dizzy and ‘off’. i was talking to a contractor in our kitchen and i noticed that when i bent my head i was dizzy. not faint-dead-away dizzy but my head felt a tad swimmy and off. . the rest of me felt ok. tho later – a few hours later – i realized that my stomach felt bloated and gassy and – to go to the end of the story before the middle – when the stomach issues passed, so did my dizziness. i begged off the ‘mash’ marathon that was being watched in the living room and went upstairs to lay down. i thought perhaps i was just tired or it was allergies? my daughter came up and snuggled up to me with a look of anxious desperation in her hug and voice. ‘i’m just a little dizzy’.
4 and a 1/2 years later her reality seems to be that my potential demise is just over her shoulder – just out of view. her worst fears sit so close to the surface and it’s painful to witness. but, as my husband said: it’s her reality; she lived through it too. there’s no taking for granted the happy day for her. she weighs it with great significance. i wish i could wave a magic wand over her fears.