it’s her reality

 

‘mom, are you ok?”  “mom, you feel better now?”  “mom, i love you more than everything.”  beautiful words all.  and heartfelt.  but often said to me with what i have termed:  sad-eyes.  i have taken to saying to my 15 year old daughter: ‘such a sad i love you.’  then she plasters on a smile.

yesterday, i had an odd few hours where i felt just a little dizzy and ‘off’.  i was talking to a contractor in our kitchen and i noticed that when i bent my head i was dizzy.  not faint-dead-away dizzy but my head felt a tad swimmy and off. . the rest of me felt ok.  tho later – a few hours later – i realized that my stomach felt bloated and gassy and – to go to the end of the story before the middle – when the stomach issues passed, so did my dizziness.  i begged off the ‘mash’ marathon that was being watched in the living room and went upstairs to lay down.  i thought perhaps i was just tired or it was allergies?  my daughter came up and snuggled up to me with a look of anxious desperation in her hug and voice.  ‘i’m just a little dizzy’. 

4 and a 1/2 years later her reality seems to be that my potential demise is just over her shoulder – just out of view.  her worst fears sit so close to the surface and it’s painful to witness.  but, as my husband said: it’s her reality; she lived through it too.   there’s no taking for granted the happy day for her.  she weighs it with great significance.  i wish i could wave a magic wand over her fears.

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2 Responses to it’s her reality

  1. Kathy says:

    Beautiful post; so touching to feel the hope, worry, and love conveyed through a daughter’s hug and kiss. Let her know you’re doing great! I’m proud of you! X O X

  2. Jodi says:

    Big issue for us too, and I could not have described it better. xo

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