we are in the midst of playing the ‘let’s make some plans’ game at our house. for anyone who has ever faced a serious illness, it’s a bit of a dance. i get close to it; sometimes i believe it; sometimes i discuss it to see if i believe it; or sometimes i can’t find the words to think about discussing it. for some reason the period of 5 years was the magic number i was told for breast cancer survivors. make it through 5 years and you’re past! turns out, not so much. maybe the doctors just have that amount of time in their agendas so that they can count you a success. but i am constantly reading about people who say: well, the first time i was diagnosed 6 years ago… my oncologist recently said to me: when you’re 90 i’ll consider you cured. oddly, i appreciated her honesty but also the implication that she intended to get me to that honorable age.
ok. that being said, i am creeping up on the 5 year mark – coming in late october. i have two 5 year marks. late october 2010 for 5 years since diagnosis (‘the good news is that it’s garden variety breast cancer’ [yes…those words will haunt me forever…garden variety? good news? ]} and late mid-june 2011 for 5 years post-treatment.
with our teenage daughter finishing 9th grade and our car and kitchen both falling apart at the same time, i am being pulled into discussions of ‘let’s plan’. and then suddenly, we’re planning not only the car and the kitchen and paying college but also ‘where will we be in 10 years’. sometimes i have to stop myself from turning around and seeing if my husband is addressing some person behind me! and sometimes, i play with the idea that i will be that person with plans for 10 years ahead. i rehearsed it the other day, casually tossing off to a colleague that ‘we’re probably retiring to victoria, b.c. in 10 years.’ to see if it rang true to my own ears.
so far, i’ve managed to plan 2 months ahead! but i’m practicing for further.