how we see ourselves


do people have the ability to really see what is in front of them in a mirror?  a mirror is supposed to be a pure reflection of the object.  i think they don’t.  and by they, i mean me.  i have morphed and changed so much over the years.  i was a geeky bushy-eyebrowed teenager and then a lumpy college student with a swagger of sexual bravado that was all swagger and no reality and then turned myself into a hot (i kid you not…sizzling hot – even if it was the 80’s) jazz/cabaret singer.  with marriage came an agreement to attempt to be an equal earning partner and i slowly let go of the living-all-over-the-world prior decade and became the mom then music teacher then, finally, real estate broker.  even these past 10 years of part-time to full-time work in the world of ‘would you like to buy this house’ have been nonstop changes in my looks.  too much mac and cheese when teenage daughter was a baby led to a nice zaftig look that i gradually came to accept and, anyway, it was even my confirmation that i was here to stay as a wife and mommy.   zaftig tends to lead to heavier – and in my case it did.  why stop with 1 slice of difara’s pizza if you can have 2?  i didn’t. 

then breast cancer.  ironically, i slimmed down a bit during the chemo – uhhh…yeah.  couldn’t eat. and then the climb.  rather than be momentarily miserable (i’m bald, i’m bloated, i’m tired, i’m a victim of cancer, i’m not the girl i once was…) i ‘earned’ shoving anything and everything that tasted good into my mouth.  i deserve this apple tart.  why not eat this whole pizza…i may be dead next year.  after everything i’ve been through, you bet i’ll have another slice of that chocolate cake. 

one day i looked in the mirror and saw myself.  how odd that the lens sometimes comes into focus and that day i saw what other people saw and it was awful.  it wasn’t that i was heavy.  i actually don’t think i’ll ever be willowy or even ‘taut’.  but i was bloated and when i saw myself i thought:  i look like one of those people about whom i always think: there but for the grace of someone go i.   except there was no grace and it was me.   

slip forward 1.5 years.  i’ve worked hard at it…trying to change my lifestyle but not lose myself.  i do love food.  i don’t love exercise.  now i have food i love but not so much of it.  i don’t love exercise except that i make myself do it and i feel better afterward.  33 pounds and 2-3 sizes down.  i was feeling quite the skinny mini.  but then i went to buy some spring clothes and when i tried on ‘regular’ sized clothes…i looked heavy again.  i think i’ve gotten used to this size. 

does anyone have a different mirror i can borrow?


One Response to how we see ourselves

  1. Margy says:

    I always looked at you and saw the wonderful, big, funny, outgoing personality. 🙂

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