count into the middle (and then count back out again); or how to get through most anything


i am almost 4 years out from my initial diagnosis of breast cancer.  i have several ‘anniversaries’ where that is concerned:  the day i was diagnosed (and i’m so competitive that i was diagnosed during ‘breast cancer awareness month’…i became very aware!); the day i finished treatment; if truth be told, the day earlier that summer when i have very very faint memories of perhaps feeling something odd but chalking it up to the usual little bumps that any 47 year old woman feels; and the amorphous date that i wonder was the conception of this particularly nasty lump.  in the past year, a few people that i know as friends or colleagues have been diagnosed and have looked to me for some advice and support.  on a good day, i’m flattered.  on a paranoid-i-still-feel-in-the-midst-of-this day, i feel emotionally fragile.  i often remind myself that someone else’s illness is not a predictor of the future of my health.  am I odd that way?  do other people find themselves feeling that way? 

for the past year, i’ve worked very hard at pulling myself out of the emotional and physical hole i was in.  i’m not a joiner of groups (though i do like to join virtual groups …oy, let’s not go there!) so i worked out changing my eating habits and exercise habits – well, not solely by myself but not by sitting in meetings.  i needed to step up to those goals on my own.  i have grown through trying to open up to some friends and immediate family about my efforts so that i’m not too shut off.  but it’s me i need to reckon with and it doesn’t help me if i stretch myself too thin talking about goals rather than doing them.   Sometimes i wonder if i’m shortchanging myself by not joining but this is the way it is at the moment…the way it has to be.

surgery; chemo; radiation; stabilizing on tamoxifen; starting my exercise routines with baby steps and working on building that to routine; 24 hours each day of making choices for food; 30 minutes on my elliptical every other day even when, on that particular day, 30 minutes stretches in front of me like a prison sentence….all these things i have found that i work through with the same method.  it took me a while to figure it out. i was able to make it take shape when i was called upon to talk a few friends through the beginnings of their journeys of diagnosis, treatment and moving forward with life.  try not to see the whole thing stretching in front of you like an endless line.  take it in pieces.  count into the middle.  Look, you’re there!  then count out to the end.  look!  you’re at the end! then to the next.  turns out it works little and big.  what will i eat today and not destroy my efforts becomes count into the middle of the day with good choices and don’t worry about dinner.  get through lunch ok?  great.  count out to the end of the day and enjoy the well-earned fudge pop.  radiation for 5 long weeks?  too long a stretch.  count into the middle of all those weeks – you’re halfway done!  then count out again and you’re really done.  still too much?  Subdivide  whatever it takes to get through.  but here’s the real answer .. and it’s taken me almost 4 years to find it:  you can get through. 


6 Responses to count into the middle (and then count back out again); or how to get through most anything

  1. Gannet Girl says:

    Oh, but Bean, what about when there is no end?

  2. rebeany says:

    yeah…that. it’s true…and if i think of the big picture, it doesn’t work. but you can use it to get through the day, the month, the year. i’m hanging on some days myself – this is the culmination of 4 years so i offer it up for whatever good it might do and help it might be. the title does say ‘most everything’. other than that, my only other offering is a sugestion to eat more ice cream.

  3. I counted a lot too – I still do.

  4. 99 to 1 says:

    I’m hitting the same anniversary as an Ovarian Cancer survivor. I spent the first couple of years processing all that had happened to me physically and emotionally. I made a film to raise awareness and also to put a work out in the world that addressed–in a poetic and visual way–how it feels to get cancer–not the medicalized journey of treatment. And also something that address pre-menopausal women who get the O.C. I’m finding there are so many more of us than one would think by reading the risk group data.

    I just thought I’d share since we are sharing a similar trajectory of diagnosis and treatment. After several years of being really frustrated at my body I am now marveling at it’s strength and working more to honor that every day.

    Thanks for sharing and congratulations on the onward and upward recovery!!

  5. 99 to 1 says:

    I’m at the same mile marker for ovarian cancer. I realize that it took a few years to stop being mad and frustrated with my body…plus a year out I had adhesions which led to an intestinal blockage and my whole giant scar had to be reopened. But now I’m worrying less about what’s wrong and more about my strength–honoring my body for getting me through.

    I also channeled my energy creatively–made a film to raise awareness and help myself emotionally process. There are many ways to make this huge derailment something positive–but just getting through is the main thing. I agree–give yourself a well deserved treat. Do what makes you happy–even for a day–it helps.

  6. rebeany says:

    99 to 1: so glad to have you reading. sorry for the delay in getting your comment posted..i was away for my auntie’s 95th bday celebration – i hugged her a lot – hoping it rubs off!!! i look forward to reading your website. beany

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