i have always worked best with an anonymous audience. i thought this only applied to my (past) career as a professional vocalist but it turns out, it applies to many aspects of my life! in the old gig-laden days, i loved the gigs that took me out of town because no one knew me at those gigs and i could be anything i wanted to be: funny, acerbic, serious, over-the-top, under-the-piano…whatever. and having that leeway allowed me to reach and explore and to actually *be* funnier or that much more acerbic – more focused when i was stretching toward something that was just forming that much beyond my reach. my worst shows were when the audience was peppered with those people who knew me: moms and dads and aunties and cousins and neighbors. i felt boxed in. and they knew all my jokes. i couldn’t riff.
two days ago on facebook, i friended and was friended by a guy that i used to date in highschool. although i’m not even sure it was legitimate dating – but i remember a little kissing and a visit to his university our freshman year out (said visit simply reinforcing that we were at the end of any possibilities). last night, i couldn’t sleep. i was totally weirded out by my long-ago trapped-in-the-past past invading the possibilities of my unexplored future.
i think that most people – ok, many people – want to get their lives very established and then have emotional and professional and artistic (if we can agree that all people have artistic reach in their lives even if they don’t see it in that way) flux only in a limited way. and i can’t blame them…and i am that way in some things. the wild roller coaster ride of emotional upheaval has lost some of it’s charm as i get older.
but i hold out for the possibility. i hold out with the hope and the secret knowledge that, under the right cirumstances, a big loud new riff is just there at my fingertips.