i’ve been noticing that i have dealt with all the changes in my life over the past year with a series of negotiations. food and exercise, certainly the two biggest categories to be subject to large change, are telling. with food, i promise myself everything. then, when faced with the possibility, i negotiate with myself. ‘just wait another 1/2 hour and you can have that.’ ‘yes, you can have that cheesesteak, but i bet you could find a good hearty salad around and why not just have that cheeseteak tomorrow?’ ‘i will only walk a short walk on my elliptical…ok, 2 more minutes…ok, if you start running a bit you can say you ran for 3 minutes which is the length of this new song you just put on your ipod…ok, actually feeling ok at the moment, i bet i can run another 3 minutes.’
somehow all these mini-deals — mini-negotiations — have added up. but sometimes i’m tired of them. tired of myself. i just want to be that ok person who *wants* to exercise for 30 minutes and feel the sweat run down my face and neck. i just want to be that regular person who *wants* the salad and boneless chicken breast over the chicken parmigiana with a side of pasta and just a few pieces of that yummy garlic bread.
ironically, i like salad. i like my silly 100 calorie fudge pops. and, please don’t tell anyone i said this, i like how i feel after i exercise. it’s the getting to it all that’s difficult. i see so many people stuck in their lives..unable to change anything – their attitudes, their friendships, their relationships .. and i swore i would not be that person. i want to be open to change even as i leap into my low-50’s. as usual, i’ve figured out how to change the back-end. it’s just that i’m still slowly sliding into the front part …a series of carefully-negotiated deals with myself. good thing i’m buying, huh?