it’s just that…


justification.  there.  let’s get that word out there. plain and simple.  there’s much talk of gratification and over-gratification but rarely is the concept of justification brought into play.  as a real estate broker, i see justification all the time.  ‘but i shouldn’t have to sell for less because [insert answer here: e.g., even tho i’m a 4th floor walkup my place seems so much nicer than those jerks’ on the 2nd floor].   i am coming to realize how much i use justification in my own life.  or, how much i have used it…i’ve been trying for a cleaner-meaner existence lately.  see what’s truly there.  the problem is, can you ever see what’s truly there?  what if you see one thing and the person standing next to you sees another?  is there a compromise in the middle or is there just a truth in both versions? 

i have often justified eating indulgent foods as a defense against the circumstances of my life.  i’m frustrated or i’m feeling boxed in and judged or i had cancer.  so i eat.  and there’s such a difference between just eating and truly loving food.  i truly love food.  i love the look and the colors and the smells and aromas and tastes and the slow making of.  but i’ve justified that love as an excuse to eat at will.  until the eating is, sadly, no longer about the food.  it’s about the filling up of the need.  as i try to clear the garbage off the rails of my subliminal subway tracks, i have had to address what is real and what is justified.  had to?  have to.  every day.  on the drive from my office to my home.  on my walks on my elliptical.  at night after 9pm when i really really really really want a ‘small snack’.        

i was trying on some clothes today in a store.  since i’ve lost some weight, i’ve been occasionally going into ‘regular-size’ stores and just trying on larges and xl’s to see what fits.  because, as all women know, one brand’s L is another brand’s S.  i feel frustrated because, for the past few years, i could hide in big clothes.  now i can’t hide in those big clothes (read: plus) but the large regular clothes make me look big.  see?  justification.  i guess the truth is, the regular clothes don’t make me look big; i’m big for regular clothes.  justification – sometimes a happy place to be.


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