knee jerk reactions

i have changed a whole lot of things in my life over the past few years.  i have changed my diet – well, at the very least, i work on changing it every single day.  i have changed my exercise – again, i re-convince myself to work on it even tho the last week has been a miserable failure in that regard.  i have been working on putting the year of cancer behind me – or at the very least, climbing back out of the emotional crater that i found myself laying in over the past 3 and a half years.  i have been smiling more and felt that i really feel happier.  i feel deeply that one of the lessons of all of this is to embrace the now – to understand what is truely important and what is backburner stuff.  to enjoy more and worry a little less.  i have felt that putting a lot of these things in motion would and have moved my life forward. 

and then my teenage daughter comes home sick with a fever 3 days before leaving for camp and with 3 days of nonstop planned events happening – all of which i have twisted my schedule around to be sure to be able to accomodate and participate in.  and i have a complete knee-jerk reaction – fury at the girl who, i know, came to graduation sick (even tho i realize and acknowledge that i would have probably allowed my daughter to go also given that it was an event not to be repeated), lashing out at a colleague for some little thing – and all of it just making me feel so unbalanced.  so much like i was falling over the edge.  everything undone.  or un-doing.  of course, it wasn’t.  yes, all our plans are changing and we won’t go on our day-trip tomorrow.  but we ate dinner tonite and watched 3 episodes of ”monk’ from the living room sofa together. 

i understand that this is all about the day i was diagnosed.  to be perfectly well and then be told that you are perfectly sick and to feel perfectly well but then spend a year being made to feel supremely sick is to never trust how you feel again.  not deep down.  i find myself constantly looking over my emotional shoulder.  don’t get too comfortable.  at any moment, the rug can get yanked out from under.  i have no comfort.  no solice.  no solution. 

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