i have not changed my emotional relationship with food. what i have done is to become more obsessive and there are days when i think that half of my time is spent thinking about the next meal or snack. i have bowed down to my food demons and finally acknowledged them. whatever them they are. instead of shutting the door, i’ve welcomed in my need to want food and to want to stock food in my house and my need to think about food and my need to eat food while pretending i don’t know the consequences. i think it has made all the difference. i came through a pissy battle with breast cancer and stuffed myself even more silly with food and then realized that i was going to be the queen of irony: dying of a heart attack having survived cancer.
i think that it helps that i like simple food. i like a steak. a plate of scrambled eggs. i like a great roast chicken and a baked potato. as long as there is food in front of me, i’m generally happy. i like the basic glowing jewel and i don’t gravitate toward fusion-y fussy food except upon special occasions. i have never loved fried foods or overly buttered foods. i do love pizza. sausage pizza. sausage and mushroom pizza. cheese and i have a careful detente going on.
so i promise myself food. i am like my father: i can eat the same breakfast every day of the week. i can eat the same lunch every day. as long as i like it , i’m perfectly happy. i plan ahead. there is now always food in my house that i consider acceptable. lots of salad. organic turkey. cheese. cottage cheese and eggs. fage yogurt and lots of fruit. almonds. i thrive on protein and make sure to have plenty of that at every meal. i save my big carbs (bread, pasta or rice) for dinner. i plan lunch because i find that the most dangerous meal of the day. i tend to be at my desk in my office or out with appointments and it’s often hard to find a lunch that i consider acceptable. i plan dinner by making sure to take out a main course..fish fillets or chicken or turkey burgers. i don’t measure anything. if you tell me i can have 4 ounces of something i automatically want 8. so i don’t measure. and now, a year later, i’m much better about a natural portion size. when i first started trying to get control over my insane eating habits, i considered it a good week when i said yes to myself to go get chinese food and then talked myself into eating a bowl of turkey chili instead. a year later i still tell myself that i can absolutely go have ‘xxx’ and might get all the way to the store and find myself changing my mind to buy ‘zzz’ instead.
i force myself to have a snack in the afternoon. either a small frozen yogurt or 1/2 of a nut bar. i try not to be hungry but try to do that by eating smaller meals more along the day. i try not to eat processed foods but made an exception in my healthy choice fudge bars – of which i have one every evening about 1/2 hour after dinner so that i always have a treat in the evening.
basically, i just said yes to myself – even tho yes often means no.