aside from the post-chemo-menapausal fog that often sets around my working brain causing me to to be aphasiatic more times than i can count, there are times lately that i feel clearer than i have ever felt before. i don’t remember entire sections of my childhood. i think i was shut down – probably depressed – and i just remember sleeping. or wanting to sleep. or feeling like i was asleep. to this day, i just don’t remember many years.
chemo put me into another world. between the nausea (one of my worst issues) and the steroids and the pain killers, i went into a chemical fog that has only recently started to truely lift 3.25 years later. i have some days when i wake up and think: oh, i’m very much here. very (excuse me) present.
and now i feel that i feel with more clarity. and enthusiasm. and decisiveness. when i talk to people, i am surprised that i sound so enthusiastic. so alive. i guess i am actually glad to be alive. i have a more profound sense of the here and now. i was always planning ahead (or sleeping to get to that ahead which involved more keeping my head down and getting through) and now i seem to be better and appreciating the now.
don’t worry…it won’t last! but it’s good to know i can change.