on a clear day…

 

aside from the post-chemo-menapausal fog that often sets around my working brain causing me to to be aphasiatic more times than i can count, there are times lately that i feel clearer than i have ever felt before. i don’t remember entire sections of my childhood. i think i was shut down – probably depressed – and i just remember sleeping. or wanting to sleep. or feeling like i was asleep. to this day, i just don’t remember many years.

chemo put me into another world. between the nausea (one of my worst issues) and the steroids and the pain killers, i went into a chemical fog that has only recently started to truely lift 3.25 years later. i have some days when i wake up and think: oh, i’m very much here. very (excuse me) present.

and now i feel that i feel with more clarity. and enthusiasm. and decisiveness. when i talk to people, i am surprised that i sound so enthusiastic. so alive. i guess i am actually glad to be alive. i have a more profound sense of the here and now. i was always planning ahead (or sleeping to get to that ahead which involved more keeping my head down and getting through) and now i seem to be better and appreciating the now.

don’t worry…it won’t last! but it’s good to know i can change.

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3 Responses to on a clear day…

  1. Gannet Girl says:

    Well, if it took you 3.25 years, maybe that’s something for me to aim for.

  2. ebrichter says:

    oh my dear friend. the 3.25 years were from what was pumped into me. i wouldn’t even begin to know how to find a clear head if i had such a precious thing taken from me. xo

  3. Kathryn says:

    I am so glad that the fog is lifting. As for the childhood memories, sometimes our memories give us gifts and forgetting is often one of them.

    I love that you have a blog. I just added you to my reader.

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