can you allow yourself your dreams after you’ve seen your nightmares?

 

i didn’t have any understanding just how much a big ol’ bout of cancer would knock the stuffing out of me.  or maybe, it was less that i lost my stuffing (well, trust me that i gained plenty of stuffing over the past few years – then lost some – then…oy..) but that i battened down all the hatches.  almost every one.  i could not listen to music in any meaningful way.  i shut it out because my heart ached to want more out of it  – to let it touch me.  i shut out big dreams and oversized wants and certainly closed the door to seeing my life too far ahead.  it was too dangerous to crack that door open and get a glimpse of open sea – lest the door slam shut and you’re stuck back in the world of 1/2 drawn curtains and industrial lighting. 

but…time is a funny thing.  if you manage to stay in the game of time, eventually, slowly, you put some of it behind you and there is a glimmer that you might – just might – think about next year or plan for even a few years ahead.  i still ‘knock on wood’ (usually my head) and sometimes take a deep breath but slowly i find some more space between now and then. 

and, in a scenario i only allowed in my most private thoughts, i have allowed myself to not only dream but to do – to create and work on a life i have wanted to return to for many years – of making music and singing again and finding the discipline to be back on stage.  it has almost helped that i look nothing like my old former hot curvy sassy self because i am given the gift of not trying to recreate what was but to create and shape what is now and, more importantly, what will be because i want it.  that’s what i say to myself every week at each audition before i walk in through the door to face the casting folks.  quietly to myself i say:   ‘you are here because you want to.  have a pisser of a time.’  (the first part is mine; the second told to me once upon a hot-curvy-sassy-fling with a famous irish flutist who said he said that to himself every time he was about to walk onstage.) 

i now happily juggle my regular working life, my wonderful family (they might say they juggle me!); and the buds of a life of music and theater that is starting to, once again, belatedly, take shape.  what shape?  i’m not sure but i am determined.  and i’m here because i want to be.  i’m having a pisser of a time.

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8 Responses to can you allow yourself your dreams after you’ve seen your nightmares?

  1. Matt R-S says:

    You go girl!

    Jack Johnson, one of my favorite musicians, said “Don’t let your dreams be dreams.”

    Love it, keep the updates coming! :)

  2. Ruth says:

    I am so thrilled for you and so happy you will be sharing your talent with the world again! It makes the world a better place. And PS, the Irish flutist … memories!!!!!!!

  3. rebeany says:

    those were fun times…even if he was mostly soused!

  4. Trish says:

    Eileen…this is beautiful…good for you!

  5. Good job, nice story, keep working at your dreams.

  6. Laurie says:

    Love your insights. Great foundation to launch from!

  7. Jodi says:

    beautifully thought and beautifully written. brava.

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